Dear Dorothy,

I am a 26-year-old graduate. I have been dating a guy for five years. He proposed to me and I accepted. We are about to set dates for our native and white weddings. You will think that with my marriage in front of me, I will be one of the happiest girls around. Dorothy, this is not the case. Although my fiancé is tall, handsome, educated and quite well-to-do, I have trepidations about going through with the marriage because he beats me at the slightest provocation. I suffered a cut during his latest assault and had to get stitches on my face. This resulted in my breaking off our engagement. He has sent his parents, my friends and even our church pastor to plead with me, asking me to forgive him. Do you think he can control himself and never hit me again as he is promising? I am scared. Please advise.

 

My dear,

It is good that your fiancé has shown you this side of his nature while you are still dating and not married. It seems obvious that you love your man since you got engaged to him and you have been together with him for a while now.

However, no matter the provocation small or big, no person has a right to beat up another person. It was never your fault, nothing you did justifies his actions. He is the sole person responsible for his own behavior. You do not deserve to be beaten “at the slightest provocation.”

If you succumb to the pleas to forgive him and end up marrying him, this would be a classic case of the saying – “trouble de sleep, yanga go wake am.” Ignoring this problem and refusing to take a decisive decision to make a clean break now that you can do so with ease is courting a future life of misery and anxiety.

It is a good thing that you are not “crazy love in love” with him, where you love him so much that you constantly make excuses for his bad behaviour. You are in your right senses and realise that his behaviour frightens you.

The issues he is dealing with will not disappear on their own. He will need professional help. There are people who can help abusers. You best advise his parents and other people who care about him to focus their efforts on seeking help for his problem.

There is no reason for you to remain with this person, quit while you are ahead. Good luck.

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