Dear Dorothy,
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. He is 8 years older than me. We got married when I was 22. I have been under the impression that we had a close and loving relationship. You can imagine my shock when a few days ago my husband confessed he has been having an affair with one of his staff but has put an end to it.
He asked me to forgive him but says whatever my decision is, I should bear in mind that he truly loves me and will always love me. I am in a big quandary.
What do you advise? Should I forgive him and work at keeping our marriage? Should I just go ahead and divorce my husband? Is there any little hope that this will never be repeated in case I forgive?
I really do need your advice.
My Dear,
Infidelity in marriages are usually very difficult to deal with. When a man strays and the wife comes to know about this betrayal, it has so many ramifications for her emotions. Too many things go through her mind:
- Why did her husband stray?
- Is she no longer attractive to him?
- What has the other woman got that she hasn’t got? And the questions go on and on.
When such a situation arises, divorce may present itself as the easy way out of an emotional seesaw. But is divorce the magic bullet that solves the problem? Oftentimes it is not. It may be better to work at fixing the relationship. However, this is easier said than done.
Sure you could walk away, but what if he really is sincere in asking you to forgive him and work things out together? What if this act of repentance is what was needed for both of you to wake up and take a closer look at where your relationship is at? This may not be easy because of the range of emotions you are dealing with.
However, you have to bear in mind that so many people get divorce, get into other relationships, and those relationships, even other marriages, go on to fail all over again…why? Because they didn’t have the patience and resolve to examine the problem or problems in their first marriage and they went on to a new set of problems.
When you take time to examine the pros and cons in any marriage, you find that oftentimes the positives outweigh the negatives, and the marriage has too much value to just walk away from it. If you have to walk away, then make sure you learn all your mistakes so that you do not make them in your future relationships.
One question you should ask yourself when you are having problems: “What have you done to make your relationship all that is could be?”. Most people say things like… I do all the housework… I cook for him and the kids, we go out to parties, weddings and the occasional dinner… I pay all the bills…and so on. These things do count. However, relationships are about emotions as well, and it is those things felt by the heart that help sustain a marriage – empathy, affection, words of love and encouragement, and open communication.
Good luck.
Dorothy.
